


Sleep

by mansikka



Series: Too Far [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sick Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:07:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6447553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean read the same line of text for the third time and shut his eyes, slapped the covers of the book together with a soft, papery thud, and let the book slide from his lap on to the bed.</p><p>His mind was adamant on drifting so he gave into it. Went back to he and Sam - mostly Sam, walking and carrying Cas - mostly carrying, out from the motel room they'd been stuck in and over to the back seat of the Impala.</p><p>Cas had fallen, deadweight, with not even enough energy to correct himself to either sit up, or lay down. It had been Sam that arranged him more comfortably, Sam that he'd let help him eat and drink, and Sam who had been the one, when Cas' eyes grew wide at the shock of a full bladder, who had gritted his teeth and half-dragged him into a bathroom stall, returning with a look that said he never wanted to experience that again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleep

Dean read the same line of text for the third time and shut his eyes, slapped the covers of the book together with a soft, papery thud, and let the book slide from his lap on to the bed.

His mind was adamant on drifting so he gave into it. Went back to he and Sam - mostly Sam, walking and carrying Cas - mostly carrying, out from the motel room they'd been stuck in and over to the back seat of the Impala.

Cas had fallen, deadweight, with not even enough energy to correct himself to either sit up, or lay down. It had been Sam that arranged him more comfortably, Sam that he'd let help him eat and drink, and Sam who had been the one, when Cas' eyes grew wide at the shock of a full bladder, who had gritted his teeth and half-dragged him into a bathroom stall, returning with a look that said he never wanted to experience that again.

Cas had barely spoken to Dean directly, apart from courteous  _ pleases _ and  _ thank yous _ when he did something to help. Not that Cas' constant blank face looking back at him invited much help.

That had been a couple of days ago, but it might have been a few months for how heavy and long the hours had seemed, both at the time and since.

Cas had slept the first night in Sam's bed, and Dean had used the lack of sleep he'd gotten at the thought of that to set Cas up a room, grimly smiling to himself at a memory of Sam laughing at his 'need' to buy spare bedding one time. And sighing dejectedly as he looked around the room that really, he'd already pretty much set up for Cas long ago.

Not that he'd ever really thought Cas would need it. He just wanted Cas to have a place that was his, somewhere to go, if he ever wanted it. A home. In contrast to all the cruel words he'd said to Cas about him not belonging anywhere.

Not that he thought he'd get the chance to admit any of that to Cas, not now.

With another inward grimace Dean stood, stretched himself to try and rid himself of his constant listless feeling, then walked over to his closet in search of another layer to throw on since he intended on heading out.

He swung the door open, felt one thick, heavy thud in his chest as he glanced inside, pulled out the first thing his hand fell on and shut the door decisively.

The only thing Cas had really allowed Dean to do for him was lend him his clothes, and even that Dean was fairly certain was only because his brother's would drown him. Seeing Cas wearing his things did all kinds of things to Dean, but since everything in the motel room, well. Dean shut off his wandering thoughts about Cas in  _ that _ way pretty quickly, even if they did just keep on coming back at him just as soon as he shoved them away.

Cas was recovering well, Dean thought, from whatever it was that was wrong with him. It was good, seeing a healthy colour return to his cheeks, and even better to see him with an appetite. But with every bite of food and every sip of coffee came the stark reminder that Cas would soon be strong enough to leave. As angel, as human, as something none of them really knew just yet, but still. The  _ leave _ was the important thing. Because there was no way Dean wanted him to go.

Cas had told them - Sam, really, with Dean eavesdropping from the doorway when he felt he'd outstayed his welcome. Cas said, he could feel his angel grace still in him laying almost dormant, flaring up every now and then again to show it was still there, but then drifting away again as quickly as it had come. Much as his strength, that allowed short sharp bursts of energy and fending for himself, before they too faded away and left him worn out and needing to sleep.

They were still clueless as to what had done this to Cas in the first place, with Cas revealing little detail about the 'mission' he'd been on when he'd been attacked. He didn't seem to want to talk about it much and quickly changed the subject every time Sam tried to bring it up.

Dean was much more cautious about what he did and didn't say to Cas; in fact, he avoided saying much of anything at all. Because that blank stare back at him rendered him too mute, guilty and ashamed, and every sentence he tried to start fell away anyway, sounding ridiculous to his own ear.

Still cursing himself and reliving his poor attempts at conversation, Dean shrugged into his sweater and grabbed his keys, walking out unseeingly and almost barrelling right into Cas.

As Cas stumbled Dean reached out for him without hesitating, noting the almost-comical expression on his face as he toppled backwards but found himself held upright by Dean's grip on his arms instead.

Cas' eyes fell to his hands, and Dean felt stuck for what to do; he couldn't let go because he could feel how much Cas was leaning on him to stop himself from falling, but the guilt that surged through him rapidly reminding him he had no place touching Cas at all.

“Going somewhere, Cas?” he managed, feeling another thick pounding in his chest as Cas slowly raised his eyes to his.

“I was seeing how far I could walk,” Cas mumbled back at him, fixing him with that blank stare again.

“Okay...”

“And I thought I should try... to talk to you,” which was exactly the opposite of what Dean was expecting to hear.

“Can... can I help you sit or something?” he asked, loosening his grip a little and letting Cas guide him where he wanted to go. To Dean's surprise, Cas headed straight through Dean's open door and directly for his bed, sitting down heavily as he fell from Dean's grip and flopping back hard, horizontally across the bed with a soft  _ ooph _ escaping from his lips as he landed.

Dean stood looking down at him, slightly amused at the way Cas turned his head to the edge of his spare pillow and his hand curled reflexively round his own one.

“Will you sit?” Cas said, raising his head a fraction to look up at Dean and letting his hand roll to the side to indicate where he meant.

Dean lowered himself to the bed, feeling more than a little odd, and out of place even in his own room. He reached over to where he'd left his book, then leaned forward over Cas' legs to push it on to the bedside table, for something to do as he waited for Cas to speak.

“Lay down, Dean.”

“Uh,” Dean stuttered out, immediately tensing up, and sitting himself perfectly upright as he pulled back.

“Dean.”

Feeling even more strange, Dean let himself lay down so that he and Cas were laying side by side, across his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

A few minutes of complete silence followed, which as they stretched out made Dean feel more uncomfortable, before Dean cleared his throat and muttered, “Well this is weird,”

“It is... unusual, yes.” Cas agreed, sounding completely exhausted. Dean risked a glimpse over to his side, and watched as Cas relented with the tiredness he clearly felt and let his eyes fall shut.

“You... you need to sleep?”

“Probably. I hope I can stay awake a few minutes longer.”

Dean nodded despite Cas not being able to see him do it. “You said you wanted to try and talk?”

“Which is why I want to stay awake a little longer,” Cas retorted curtly, then sighed at himself. “I am... angry, Dean. With you. Constantly.”

“Yeah,” Dean agreed softly, clenching his fits against his sides. “I'd... I'd figured that out for myself. Not that I blame you, Cas, I really don't,” he added hastily, fearing Cas' reaction.

Cas arched his back, shifting himself a little and looking every bit like he was getting comfortable. “I find myself enjoying this... sensation. Of softness. Your bed is very comfortable, Dean,” Cas mumbled, sounding very much like he was talking to himself.

Dean arched an eyebrow that Cas still couldn't see, and continued to watch him.

“First of all,” Cas began with another satisfied arch of his back, and his eyes fluttering open for a brief moment. “I think I should apologise for the way I...”

When Cas' words came to an abrupt stop, Dean's head snapped to the side, fearing he'd fallen asleep on him already. But as he watched, Cas frowned to himself, shaking his head lightly.

“The way I reacted,” Cas continued, and somehow Dean's heart sank a little to hear it, although he couldn't really pinpoint why.

“S'fine,” he mumbled, shifting a little himself in discomfort.

“It is not. It was... hypocritical. To be so... accusatory.”

“Uh...” Dean said, helpless.

“Dean,” Cas said again, turning his head to fix Dean with another stare. “I... I kissed you. Much... more. Than you kissed me. With a lot more... force.”

“I wasn't complaining,” Dean told him hastily, and Dean's eyes fell to where Cas' lips turned up very slightly into a smile. “I mean, I-”

“I still should have asked first. As should have you,”

Dean nodded, looking every inch contrite. “I'm... sorry about that, Cas. Honestly, I don't really know what happened there.”

“We both took something that we wanted,” Cas said easily.

Dean's heart pounded out at Cas' admission, and he found a tiny shred of hope to cling to. “I guess,”

“And second. Thank you for taking care of me,” Cas said softly, smiling and dragging his eyes open for another second to look back at him.

“Any time. You know-”

“I was surprised,” Cas continued, as though Dean hadn't even answered him. “I did not expect that you would. Not after everything,”

“Cas,” Dean pleaded, about to roll to his side but held completely still when Cas froze him in place with another stare. “I... I'm sorry. For... god, so many things. Sorry don't even cut it, or begin to.... but I am. I'm sorry, Cas. For everything.”

That Cas was surprised by Dean's apology was clear from the way his eyes shot open wide and his mouth opened a little to gape back at him.

When the staring grew too much for them both, Cas cleared his throat, and nodded. “We have much to speak of. About that. About... this,” he said, his eyes drifting down Dean in a way that Dean couldn't tell if was sleepy or lingering.

Dean found himself nodding, slowly, stuck for something to answer back with.

“Because,” Cas pressed on, less coherently as it appeared the sleep was finally claiming him once again. “I will no longer allow myself to be used, Dean. That will not happen again. And if there is no resolution to these... issues between us. Then I will not come back. I cannot.”

“Cas-” Dean tried, but whatever he was going to say died away with his realisation that Cas was already asleep.

Dean watched him for a moment, let his head fall solidly back against the mattress, and closed his eyes with a heavy sigh.

  
  
  



End file.
